When we began telling people we were polygamists, we told them in the wrong order. We should have told my parents last, rather than first; as it turns out, my father has a big mouth, and couldn’t respect my simple request to allow me to tell people my news myself. I asked him not to tell anyone for a month, and he promised me that month, and yet within 48 hours he had called both my bishop and his own bishop, confided in his friends and employees, and saddest of all, had announced my news to my brother, whom I really wanted to tell personally.
To his credit, he did call me afterwards and insist, “You should tell your brother your news.” When I asked him why he was going out of his way to suggest that, he would only repeat himself.
So, I called my brother on the phone. He was on a road trip with his wife, driving across the desert with spotty cell service. Between me wondering what my dad had already told him and the phone call frequently getting dropped, the conversation took place in less-than-ideal circumstances.
After I finished telling him, my brother’s immediate response was the following: “What’s going on? What do you need? Do you need money? Do you need help getting out? Tell me what you need from me; tell me how to react, and I will.”
I answered that I didn’t need money, I didn’t want out of the situation, that all I wanted was his acceptance. After he was convinced that I was safe, that I was being taken care, and that I was content, he stated his intention to be supportive.
And he has been.
This experience was what I thought of when I saw S2E4 (“Unforeseen Circumstances”) of Seeking Sister Wife. Sophie Winder has a conversation with her brother about her polygamy, and he says he doesn’t understand it and doesn’t agree with it.
Sophie says it sucks that her brother disagrees with polygamy.
However, she also says, “Unfortunately, he hasn’t chosen to live this lifestyle.”
This is where Sophie and I differ.
I honestly don’t care whether my brother is a polygamist or not. I also don’t care whether my friends are polygamists or not. Naturally, if someone is a polygamist, that’s something unusual we have in common, which makes a friendship more likely. But all I need from a brother or a friend is for them to be a supportive person in my life as a whole; I don’t need them to live exactly as I do.
I’m friends with plenty of monogamists, and I don’t think it’s “unfortunate” that they haven’t chosen to live polygamy. I still consider them to be “there for me.”
I definitely don’t think everyone should live polygamy. Among other reasons, polygamy is extremely difficult. In fact, Sophie’s brother cites that as a reason for not being interested in it.
After the episode aired, Sophie published a post on the Winder family blog called “Live and Let Live.” You can read it here. You can also read Joshua’s thoughts on the same conversation here.