Life as a Polygamist – Speaking of Polygamy…

As I write this, one of my little children is in my sisterwife’s kitchen eating the dinner she made, and one of her little children is in my kitchen eating the dinner I made. Which would you choose: French Toast or Beef & Broccoli?

I suppose someone might ask, “Why not just have one kitchen and one dinner?” There are plenty of answers to that question which I will save for another time.

For now I want to focus on the fact that it sure is nice to live with someone who has your back all the time.

Years ago, we had the opportunity to ask a lovely woman if she’d like to be courted (i.e., if she’d like to spend more time with us and pursue joining the family). My husband Joshua had arranged for her to come over to our house at a specific time. He was planning to pop the question, as it were (the question being essentially, “May I court you?”).

The arrangement allowed for my sisterwife Melissa and me to both be present, be part of the conversation. We were supportive of the idea of Joshua courting her, and we wanted to be a part of the process.

I had a little baby at the time, and at the crucial time with this woman, my baby needed to be put to bed. It killed me that I would have to miss the conversation, but I excused myself and retreated to my bedroom with my infant.

I’ll never forget what Melissa did. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t expect it. My sisterwife looked at the situation – me out of the room taking care of the baby, missing all the action, feeling totally left out – and she did what Jesus taught in the Golden Rule: She did what she would want me to do.

When I had to leave the living room, Melissa left the living room as well. She came into my bedroom with me to put the baby to bed. She sat and talked to me while Joshua sat in the living room talking to our female friend.

In a beautiful act of loyalty and love, Melissa thought to herself, If Charlotte doesn’t get to be part of the conversation, then neither do I. And she acted on that thought, at her own expense.

This is the kind of attitude I get to have in my sisterwife. She is extremely loyal, and she always tries to look at things from my point-of-view.

I am extremely blessed to have a sisterwife who thinks of me, considers me, loves me, and shows me regularly that we are united, we are on the same team.

As another example, we occasionally hear of a plural husband who doesn’t split his time evenly between his wives. Melissa gets on a soap box about it, but her rant isn’t about watching out for herself; it’s her watching out for me: “If Joshua came to my bedroom two nights in a row, I’d kick him out and make him go to Charlotte’s bedroom! What are those women doing that they allow their plural husband to treat their sisterwives unfairly? They ought to be ashamed! Sisterwives need to watch out for each other!”

I could go on and on with illustrations of Melissa’s keeping the Golden Rule over the years. Loyalty is one of the greatest virtues in plural marriage. Melissa is a wonderful example of how sisterwives ought to watch out for each other.

⁵Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth.

⁶Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee.

⁷Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

Proverbs 4:5-7 King James Version

I have a laundry system in place that really works…for me.

Before bed, I gather everything I can and put it in the laundry room. If I have 3 or more loads waiting I run a load of towels for a first wash.

I get up early and run the second wash on the towels or start a load of laundry. I’m usually done by about 11am.

This works for me because it keeps the machines available for semi-crisis and crisis situations like people vomiting with 13 extra loads of laundry, floods needing lots of towels (see toddler handbook), or a machine breaking down and someone needing to use one or both of mine. It keeps those 0-3 loads able to be put away in a timely manner and I resent dirty clothes, so it helps me have a clear head and not feel like it’s all looming over me.

I also have small hacks in place like 8ish laundry baskets which stack, do double duty as transportation up and down the stairs and they fit perfectly in IKEA Kallax furniture, so they are also storage totes.

There, that’s enough backstory.

I went to visit my daughter last month in another state. I went to visit my daughter last month in another state with the intent to help out while my son-in-law recovered from surgery.

While there, I intended to help get her laundry caught up, so I applied my laundry system to her situation which left me with a huge pile of clean unsorted clothing. I created a daunting overwhelming task.

So, I did what moms sometimes do and found myself extolling the virtues of my laundry system. Even going so far as to suggest some products that really work for me like the four-dollar flexible laundry baskets from Walmart – I love them.

Then I shut up and I listened to my daughter.

She’s smart, she’s capable, and she has reasons for the things that she does. She has her own system in place. She is a once a week laundry girl. Her husband works from home and she leaves the house daily which results in too many times laundry left in machines for too long. Her system is to have each person have their own basket and each person has their own loads. This keeps things organized and entire loads go back to one room. This keeps her from having a huge pile of unsorted clean laundry. My failure in overlaying my system on hers.

It was huge for me to have a case in point that you give help based on what is wanted within the method and within the vision that is currently in use. This takes listening and understanding why things are the way they are. It demands respect and honor of someone else’s differences. It doesn’t need to impact how you run your own life. If you take judgment from it, that’s on you.

So of course I applied all of this to my plural marriage.

The mistake sisterwives often make with each other is in applying what they would do in any given situation to what the other is currently doing.

For example, when adding a wife in and welcoming her into their existing home, some first wives do a whole I’m going to decorate my new sisterwife’s space deal, when the better option is to prepare a blank slate and then give the incoming wife the time, and resources to create what she wants for her space.

The same issue can come up with a new addition attempting to make changes to established patterns. Seek first to understand. Then when full understanding is created and respect is given, you can decide if what you would like to change is doable or even still applicable.

I went home after 6 days, my daughter’s laundry caught up, deeper relationships between little sons and little grandsons formed, and with a whole new appreciation for my beautiful and capable daughter.

Integration is hard stuff. We have to be willing to not demand that someone else justify why they do what they do. We have to not take judgment when someone does something differently than we do and also not to give judgment because it is different. We have to give space to allow others their agency. Particularly, when we are in a position of helper, we need to allow their system to run unimpeded.

Assuming good intent and competence is key.