Tag: 2nd wife

Get wisdom, get understanding

5 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth.

6 Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee.

7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

Proverbs 4:5-7 King James Version

I have a laundry system in place that really works…for me.

Before bed, I gather everything I can and put it in the laundry room. If I have 3 or more loads waiting I run a load of towels for a first wash. 

I get up early and run the second wash on the towels or start a load of laundry. I’m usually done by about 11am. 

This works for me because it keeps the machines available for semi-crisis and crisis situations like people vomiting with 13 extra loads of laundry, floods needing lots of towels (see toddler handbook), or a machine breaking down and someone needing to use one or both of mine. It keeps those 0-3 loads able to be put away in a timely manner and I resent dirty clothes, so it helps me have a clear head and not feel like it’s all looming over me. 

I also have small hacks in place like 8ish laundry baskets which stack, do double duty as transportation up and down the stairs and they fit perfectly in IKEA Kallax furniture, so they are also storage totes. 

There, that’s enough backstory.

I went to visit my daughter last month in another state. I went to visit my daughter last month in another state with the intent to help out while my son-in-law recovered from surgery.

While there, I intended to help get her laundry caught up, so I applied my laundry system to her situation which left me with a huge pile of clean unsorted clothing. I created a daunting overwhelming task. 

So, I did what moms sometimes do and found myself extolling the virtues of my laundry system. Even going so far as to suggest some products that really work for me like the four-dollar flexible laundry baskets from Walmart – I love them. 

Then I shut up and I listened to my daughter.

She’s smart, she’s capable, and she has reasons for the things that she does. She has her own system in place. She is a once a week laundry girl. Her husband works from home and she leaves the house daily which results in too many times laundry left in machines for too long. Her system is to have each person have their own basket and each person has their own loads. This keeps things organized and entire loads go back to one room. This keeps her from having a huge pile of unsorted clean laundry. My failure in overlaying my system on hers. 

It was huge for me to have a case in point that you give help based on what is wanted within the method and within the vision that is currently in use.  This takes listening and understanding why things are the way they are. It demands respect and honor of someone else’s differences. It doesn’t need to impact how you run your own life. If you take judgment from it, that’s on you. 

So of course I applied all of this to my plural marriage. 

The mistake sisterwives often make with each other is in applying what they would do in any given situation to what the other is currently doing. 

For example, when adding a wife in and welcoming her into their existing home, some first wives do a whole I’m going to decorate my new sisterwife’s space deal, when the better option is to prepare a blank slate and then give the incoming wife the time, and resources to create what she wants for her space. 

The same issue can come up with a new addition attempting to make changes to established patterns. Seek first to understand. Then when full understanding is created and respect is given, you can decide if what you would like to change is doable or even still applicable.

I went home after 6 days, my daughter’s laundry caught up, deeper relationships between little sons and little grandsons formed, and with a whole new appreciation for my beautiful and capable daughter. 

Integration is hard stuff. We have to be willing to not demand that someone else justify why they do what they do. We have to not take judgment when someone does something differently than we do and also not to give judgment because it is different. We have to give space to allow others their agency. Particularly, when we are in a position of helper, we need to allow their system to run unimpeded.

Assuming good intent and competence is key. 

Assuming good intent and competence is key. 

Melissa

Where are you?

Where do I find you?

When I first had a chance to live plural marriage, my wife and I met with a friend who was going through a tough time with her current husband. I will not go into details as it is her story to tell, but I will say that divorce was necessary for her to stay alive. She came to live with us for peace and protection as I was in law enforcement as a career.

After many trials of moving and my own marriage ending in divorce over plural marriage, I tried again to find someone. My second wife became my only wife (in one sense you could say she became my “first wife”) and we tried the online dating scene (polygamy dating sites) as online dating was gaining popularity and we wanted to see who was out there. I gave my wife all of the information of who I was talking with and what was going on. I talked with some women, but it was awkward and there were many just trying to scam.

In online dating, I believe there are those who would seek to join a family, but they also have been burned or just hammered by so many men or couples seeking that they get overwhelmed. I was honest in my profile and put myself out there to see what would happen. There were nice conversations until half-naked pics started coming in, with a need for a new cell phone, or a plane ticket to get out of Africa.

One time, I assumed I was talking with a blonde American woman (based on her profile and picture), but I was surprised when I received a video call from her. I answered and an African woman appeared and quickly hung up. I called her out and she said I was the one who was wrong and was lying about who I was.

My advice is to give up on searching online for someone. Stick to what you know and who you know.

Tracy, one of my wives, was found by my family in a group of friends that met once a month to get together and talk. After talking for a while, Tracy told me that she noticed how I treated Melanie (my only wife at the time) and that was honorable. She said she would like someone to treat her that way. I introduced polygamy to her and later she joined our family.

Another wife, Stephanie was found by me as I was looking for her. I had in my mind an impression of someone, so I searched friends of friends on Facebook. She was with a family that I knew growing up, but she did not look like the family. We talked and I found out she was adopted into the family. In time, we talked about how hard it was for her to find a good man, and she even said she was sad to learn that I was not available since I was married. I explained polygamy to her and in time, she joined our family as well.

So why do I date or seek another wife? I have been in law enforcement for over twenty-five years, and I have seen time after time, a woman in a bad marriage. This woman wants to leave, but what else is out there for her? Is there someone willing to take on the children and support them? Is there someone willing to just love her for who she is?

To me and my family, plural marriage isn’t about how many wives I can attain. It isn’t about how many children I can make. It is not about my status. It is about coming together and helping one another as a village but done with covenants and promises. It is done with time, patience, understanding, patience, learning, patience, long suffering, and patience.

We live on a farm and have land enough to sustain a large family. Not only could I use more help with gardening, animal husbandry, collecting fire wood, and construction of housing, but we also want to have a place where children can be taught in our own home. Right now, we only have one child at home, a six-year-old with only goats, sheep, and adults to be around. She needs some siblings!

I date to find someone to join our family, and our movement to a better life for all of us. I have found that it is more successful to find someone who is in need of a family such as ours, and who we have some connections with. So where are you? Where is the next one to join our family?