dating – Speaking of Polygamy…

Where do I find you?

When I first had a chance to live plural marriage, my wife and I met with a friend who was going through a tough time with her current husband. I will not go into details as it is her story to tell, but I will say that divorce was necessary for her to stay alive. She came to live with us for peace and protection as I was in law enforcement as a career.

After many trials of moving and my own marriage ending in divorce over plural marriage, I tried again to find someone. My second wife became my only wife (in one sense you could say she became my “first wife”) and we tried the online dating scene (polygamy dating sites) as online dating was gaining popularity and we wanted to see who was out there. I gave my wife all of the information of who I was talking with and what was going on. I talked with some women, but it was awkward and there were many just trying to scam.

In online dating, I believe there are those who would seek to join a family, but they also have been burned or just hammered by so many men or couples seeking that they get overwhelmed. I was honest in my profile and put myself out there to see what would happen. There were nice conversations until half-naked pics started coming in, with a need for a new cell phone, or a plane ticket to get out of Africa.

One time, I assumed I was talking with a blonde American woman (based on her profile and picture), but I was surprised when I received a video call from her. I answered and an African woman appeared and quickly hung up. I called her out and she said I was the one who was wrong and was lying about who I was.

My advice is to give up on searching online for someone. Stick to what you know and who you know.

Tracy, one of my wives, was found by my family in a group of friends that met once a month to get together and talk. After talking for a while, Tracy told me that she noticed how I treated Melanie (my only wife at the time) and that was honorable. She said she would like someone to treat her that way. I introduced polygamy to her and later she joined our family.

Another wife, Stephanie was found by me as I was looking for her. I had in my mind an impression of someone, so I searched friends of friends on Facebook. She was with a family that I knew growing up, but she did not look like the family. We talked and I found out she was adopted into the family. In time, we talked about how hard it was for her to find a good man, and she even said she was sad to learn that I was not available since I was married. I explained polygamy to her and in time, she joined our family as well.

So why do I date or seek another wife? I have been in law enforcement for over twenty-five years, and I have seen time after time, a woman in a bad marriage. This woman wants to leave, but what else is out there for her? Is there someone willing to take on the children and support them? Is there someone willing to just love her for who she is?

To me and my family, plural marriage isn’t about how many wives I can attain. It isn’t about how many children I can make. It is not about my status. It is about coming together and helping one another as a village but done with covenants and promises. It is done with time, patience, understanding, patience, learning, patience, long suffering, and patience.

We live on a farm and have land enough to sustain a large family. Not only could I use more help with gardening, animal husbandry, collecting fire wood, and construction of housing, but we also want to have a place where children can be taught in our own home. Right now, we only have one child at home, a six-year-old with only goats, sheep, and adults to be around. She needs some siblings!

I date to find someone to join our family, and our movement to a better life for all of us. I have found that it is more successful to find someone who is in need of a family such as ours, and who we have some connections with. So where are you? Where is the next one to join our family?

None of my children is old enough for dating and courtship, but I’ve still had many important conversations about choosing a spouse, preparing to be a good husband/wife, what to look for in a potential partner, how to really get to know someone, etc.

I have repeatedly talked to them about dating versus real life.

You can go on a planned date with someone, where you’re both dressed up and presentable, you’re on your best behavior, and you get to just have a nice time at a restaurant where someone else is doing all the work. Enjoying one another’s company when the event is low-stress and nothing but fun is a facet of compatibility.

But it’s also important — and arguably more important — to see what someone is like when they’re in a stressful environment or when there’s work to be done. How does he behave when he gets a flat tire on the way to the restaurant? How does she treat you if you forget your wallet? Does he have a sense of humor if you’re spending time with children and he gets messy? Does she pitch in and work hard if you’re doing a difficult project together? Does he step up as a leader if he’s put in charge of motivating a group of children to help clean up after an event? Does she make it into a game and a challenge if she’s asked to help with something unpleasant?

When you are exploring whether a person is a good match for you, it’s essential to see them in situations that are closer to real life, and not just fun. Everyday life is work. Everyday life can be stressful. Everyday life isn’t just pleasant and relaxing, hour after hour, day after day.

My plan for my children when they start dating/courting is for them to invite their date to service projects, the big events we host, our family time, the work days. I want them to have opportunitites to interact with each other around parents, siblings, children, and people who need help. I want them to get to see each other in action when there’s work to be done, tool belts and boots to wear, mud or chicken poop to wade thru, fences to put up that catch on clothes. I want them to see each other at their best but also at their worst, in those kinds of situations that let the person’s character shine thru.

There’s a Kristina Kuzmic video about her as a divorced mother dating a man who wanted all of it, even cleaning up the vomit:

This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. He didn’t just want Kristina when her makeup was done and her children with with a babysitter. He was willing to take on the entire package, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Seeking Sister Wife, S3E2, titled “Irreconcilable Differences”, shows Garrick and Dannielle at dinner with some family. They are planning on yet another trip to Mexico to vacation with Roberta and spend some time her. Their sister-in-law Samantha points out the problem with meeting Roberta only on vacation.

I do have some questions about Roberta ’cause you guys only met her in Mexico because it’s different in a vacation. And then you come out here and it’s reality.
Samantha (Dannielle’s sister-in-law)

I agree with Samantha. Putting aside all the cultural and language differences the Merrifields will have to overcome, I am genuinely concerned that they are in for a reality shock when their relationship with Roberta moves from vacation to real life. I’m happy for them that they enjoy each other so much when the situation is fun and entertaining, but I wish they had the chance to see each other in the more realistic daily life and make sure they’re still compatible.

As Garrick acknowledged in the episode,