Advice For Potential Plural Husbands (From a Current Plural Husband)

This post will be written primarily to those men who are contemplating becoming plurally married.  However, those men (and women too) who are already part of a polygamous family may still find this post interesting and entertaining.

I hope that the comment section of this post will fill up with additional bits of wisdom from other plural husbands or wives – people who have lived within this type of family structure and have some insight to share.  I know that some have had wonderful experiences with polygamy, and others have experienced heartbreak.  I invite the wisdom from both in the comments below.

Also, I plan on doing several more advice posts, so save your advice for wives until then.  I decided to start this series of advice posts because someone has reached out to my wife Charlotte asking for this type of advice.  I apologize for the tardiness, the advice was asked for quite a while ago, but I just haven’t been able to get to it.  Here then is the first thing to plan for:

1) Be prepared to have much less free time.

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In fact, I should probably be doing something else right now other than working on this blog post.  You will have nearly constant demands for your time from both wives and children, and rightly so.  The demands, each in turn, will be physical, logistical, emotional, or spiritual, but each will require a slice of time.  Each person will have to have their father or husband cup filled on a regular basis in order for the relationships to remain healthy and strong.  Of course, no wife needs constant attention from a husband, nor does any child need constant attention from its father (or mother(s)), but when you have several, their needs tend to spread and overlap in such a way that will cause you to always be attending to someone.  It could overwhelm you if you let it.

2) You don’t know anything.

Women are more emotional than men.  This is true no matter the marital status of the woman whether single, monogamously married, or plurally married.  This also makes women mysterious (as the poets and storytellers have noted since antiquity).  Adding more women to your life will add more mystery, bewilderment, and confusion to your life.  And the addition is not as straightforward as 1+1=2.  No no, going from 1 woman to 2 will more than double the emotional complexity of your life.  Be prepared to face utter cluelessness on a regular basis, where you are completely stupefied, and have no idea what to do to fix the problem at hand.

While the emotional burden will be draining (at times to the point of exhaustion), this is not to say that it isn’t worth the effort – far from it.  Nothing worth anything comes without effort.  And of course, it’s not all difficulties.  There will be wonderful times as well.  You will have the highest highs and the lowest lows of your life. It will bring you face to face with your greatest fear: failure.

3) Make friends with other plural families. 

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
– Proverbs 27:17

The detractors and critics will take care of themselves – you will probably have more of them than you would care to have.  That being said, find a plurally married man who is respectable; someone you can look to for advice and support.  Knowing another, well-functioning plural family will be a great support to your wife or wives and your children as well.  Building or joining a network or community of supporting, like-minded people is one of the best things you can do for your own family, and you and your family will be a support for them as well.  Win-win!  I am so grateful for all of my supportive friends and neighbors.

And, while we are talking about supporters:

4) You should be your own family’s best supporter.

If you have a family already, then build them up and encourage them.  If you are single, then seek to be optimistic, positive, helpful, and useful rather than negative and criticizing.  Yes, there is a place for discipline, and sternness, and all that comes along with that, but you want to be like a benevolent king to your family, not like a tyrant.  Your wife and children should desire your company.  You should accentuate and notice the positive in them, and make your support and approval known to them.  You should realize that a husband or father criticizing his family is really a criticism of himself.  If there is something wrong with a wife or child, then a good husband or father will accept the fact that he has played a major part in creating his family.  Take the moment to teach instead. And if you must correct and discipline, then you must always show afterwards an increase of love towards the person you have chastened – lest they consider you their enemy.

If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up. – Brigham Young, JoD 9:124-125

Not only should you be supportive of your own family, and encourage a general feeling and practice of mutual support among all the members of the family, but you should also discourage detractors from within as well.

5) Family members should not spread their views about the faults of current family members to the potential new spouse; thus tainting her views from the get go.

Orson Pratt had some excellent things to say about this idea in his essay entitled, The Equality and Oneness of the Saints.  In his essay, Elder Pratt is speaking about people joining the saints, but the principle applies just as well to people joining any family.

“Through faith, repentance, baptism, the forgiveness of sins, and the gift of the Holy Ghost, the imperfect sons and daughters of Adam become the sons and daughters of God; and being born of God, and all baptized with the same spirit into the same body, they begin to feel alike, think alike, and act alike, in many things: this is a first approximation towards a oneness: but being weak, and only having obeyed the first principles of the celestial law, they are tempted by the devil; divisions of feeling arise; each one sees the faults and imperfections of his brothers or sisters; and instead of trying to reclaim them in the spirit of meekness from their faults, he whispers them to others; prejudice rises; their love towards them begins to grow cold; this coldness is felt by others, and begets the same feeling in them. And thus the seeds of division are sown, and begin to sprout, and grow, and, if not checked, they speedily bring forth nauseous and bitter fruit, which, when ripened, contains the poison of death.

To counteract these divisions strict laws are given, and authorities ordained to strengthen and succour the weak; to root out all evil-speaking; and to check every sinful thing on its first appearance. Those who give diligent heed, will become habituated to keep the law of God, and will understand their duties, and perform them with cheerfulness and delight. Such will become more and more assimilated in their feelings; their love towards each other, and towards God, and His word, will grow stronger and stronger; and thus by habit they learn obedience to the law of oneness, until they are ready and willing to do anything which that law requires. While those, on the other hand, who do not give heed, find themselves more and more tempted, and their love growing colder and colder, and the faults and imperfections of their brethren and sisters still more magnified in their eyes; and at last, they become destitute of the spirit—destitute of good desires—destitute of the meekness and humility of the Gospel; and the devil takes possession of them, and leads them captive at his own will and pleasure. These do not abide a celestial law, therefore they cannot be made one.”

Orson Pratt, The Seer, Vol. II, No. 7, pg. 290

A husband should not speak ill of his current wife to a potential wife.  He should not taint or influence her first impressions in a negative way.  It will be detrimental to the family to gossip in such a way.  The right way for a potential wife to form her own opinions of her future family members is to meet and spend time with them.  The only reasonable exception I might imagine to this policy is in the case of serious physical or mental illness.  Even then, it still might be better for the potential wife to find out these things by her own interaction.  Either way, it will not be good to start a relationship with spouses on different “teams“.

6) Work on being the best man you can be first. Work on being the best husband you can be first. Work on having a good marriage first. 

I call this the Jordan Peterson principle – clean your room.  If you are single, getting married will not fix your problems.  Fix yourself up before getting married.  Make yourself a person that a woman would want to be married to.

If you are already married, getting married again will not fix your problems.  Adding a second marriage will not fix your first marriage (nor will a third marriage fix a second, etc.).  Have a good, loving, stable relationship first before adding another wife.  If your current marriage is already unstable then you have got more than enough problems to deal with already, without adding further complexity to your lives.  You may hear anecdotal occasions where this sort of thing may have helped, but don’t bet on it.

No man ever did, or ever will rule judiciously on this earth, with honor to himself and glory to his God unless he first learn to rule and control himself. A man must first learn to rightly rule himself, before his knowledge can be fully brought to bear for the correct government of a family, a neighborhood, or nation, over which it is his lot to preside. – Brigham Young, JoD 3:256

This idea is very similar to the common tragedy of a woman wanting to have a baby with her husband (or boyfriend) in order to get him to stay with her, or to love her, or to fix their relationship.  It doesn’t work! And it is a terrible plan! Fix yourself and your relationships first.

Growing your family is important, but we should not run faster than we are able.  Adding people brings chaos.  Get your house in order before adding additional members (whether wives or children) and complexity to your family.

7) Take as much care in the additional wives as you did in the first.  Don’t rush headlong into a second marriage (or third).goat and fox

Additional marriages can, and often do, happen faster than the first.  This is very understandable as the situation is quite different.  People generally know how things work, are more mature, know what they are looking for, are in a better financial situation, aren’t waiting for their parents’ input/approval/funding etc., and yet there is much folly.  It often happens that people rush into plural marriage without giving proper consideration to the personality, habits, beliefs, etc. of the new person they are wanting to add to the family.  Go slow, and don’t be afraid to back out.  There is so much at stake.  People have often make a perfect wreck of their lives by jumping into something without looking.  Of course, the very same things can and should be said about monogamy.

Here is a good example; if a potential wife already has children of her own (however that may have occurred), you should realize that you will be presented with more than an extra measure of drama.  As Joe Darger once remarked, “It’s harder to add a stepkid than to add a wife.”  It may take years to develop a good relationship with stepchildren, and it may never happen if there is resentment.  Things to consider.

The wise saying holds true for any type of marriage: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

8) It’s not all about the sex.

It is certainly true that sex is an important part of any good marriage (whether polygamous or monogamous), and I will have an entire post about this subject in the future.  However, this is not a sound basis upon which to build any relationship.  Sex is one dimension of a multidimensional thing called marriage.  Sex alone is not enough to make anyone happy in marriage.  Most of marriage is not sex.

However, I do believe this is a common mistake for men to make in both monogamous and polygamous situations.  I have known monogamous men who told me they were looking forward to marriage just so they could have sex.  No wonder the divorce rate is so high.  It is particularly enticing bait that women hold out for us, and rightly so as it is intended to lead to marriage, but marriage is a long-term relationship.  You want to find someone you can grow old with; someone you will be happy to share your life with; someone who will be happy to share their life with you, and this is based on much more than sex appeal.

9) Be upfront and above board in your communications about the possibility of having another woman join your family in the future.

If you are single, be upfront with your potential spouse about the possibility of having another woman join your family in the future.  Clear, upfront expectations can make anything go more smoothly.  No one likes to have the rules changed mid-game or the terms changed mid-contract.  If you are already married it is the same story, but may be complicated if polygamy has not been a part of the plan from the beginning.  As I just said, it’s not fair to change the rules mid-game.  Having a wife united with you is heaven, having division between you is hell.  If polygamy was not potentially a part of the game plan from the beginning, then you need to be sensitive, honorable, and respect that fact.  Whatever happens, be patient (who knows, she might be the one to bring it up with you).  Do not go around in secret courting and collecting wives.  I know it has been done before, but I would never recommend it as a general course of action (I wouldn’t even recommend it on an individual basis – there is so much at stake).  Don’t make it part of your plan.  It will only lead to heartache and loss.

10) Know why you are doing it, and then stick to it. Tower

Be committed thru thick and thin.  It’s going to be rough sometimes (maybe oftentimes); you’ll need to be committed to get thru.  Count the cost! Like Jesus said,

“For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?  Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.” – Luke 14:28-30

Consider the difficulties first.  Polygamy will place financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social pressures on you and your family.  Be sure that you are aware of the possible extent of these difficulties ahead of time, have a plan to deal with them, and be sure that your mental and emotional resolve is sufficient to meet the challenges in advance.  Then, once you have started don’t look backRemember Lot’s wife.  Be all in, or not at all.  Hot and cold both make pleasant drinks, but lukewarm gets spit out.

11) Get yourself into good financial shape.

moneyThe truth is, you may not be able to afford additional wives.  Being welcomed into an impoverished family situation is not what women are looking for.  Financial security is a particularly enticing piece of bait that men hold out for women, and rightly so as it is intended to lead to marriage. Financial difficulties are a major cause of marital problems, and even divorce, in monogamous couples.  It is no different for polygamists.  Polygamy itself can be more stressful than monogamy at times (and sometimes less stressful too); therefore, you will not want to add financial stress on top of other stresses that are already intrinsic to polygamy.

Closely related to financial preparations are the physical, logistical preparations such as lodging and transportation.  Adding another master bedroom is good, but may not be enough.  You might need another kitchen too, and maybe other space.  This will depend on your wives.  Maybe they can live together harmoniously in the same house, maybe they would even prefer it, and more happiness to you if they can, but it is not an unreasonable request if they want their own space – they are entitled to that much.  Putting a wife in a regular room (while the other wife is in a master bedroom) is not good enough for a long-term arrangement.  Don’t make this your plan.  It may be fine initially, but will probably fail in the long run.  If you can’t afford to do this, then you probably can’t afford to have another wife.

12) Women are afraid of being abandoned.

Your first wife must feel secure in her relationship with you, she must feel secure in your love for her, and feel secure in her financial support from you.  You should be sensitive toward these natural and understandable fears.  One area where you may want to be especially sensitive is in public displays of affection to a new or potential wife in front of established wives.  You may want to limit this at first (and you will want to limit it both ways).  Showing affection in public and in private is an important part of a marriage relationship, and it is something that a first wife is going to have to come to terms with, no doubt.  That doesn’t mean it will be easy.  However, it will become easier and more natural as time goes on.

                                                                       

There you have it.  Take this advice for what it’s worth.  Not all of these may apply to every situation, and some things you may disagree with.  I openly invite your additional wisdom or counter advice in the comments below.  Feel free to ask me to clarify my thoughts on anything that didn’t seem perfectly clear above. One more thing, after saying all of this you may get the impression that plural marriage has so many difficulties that it should be avoided all together.  This may be true for some people, maybe even most people, but it is not true for all people.  Even with all the difficulties, I am a fully converted polygamist.  I find the rewards well worth the efforts, and I wouldn’t trade it back if I could.  Thank you Charlotte and Melissa for making my life so full and blessed!

Welcoming a sister wife: Two different ways

Note from the blog owner: minnearminne is a new contributor to the blog, and this is her first post.

Since this article is specific to the two different ways things worked out for bringing and welcoming a new wife into the family, I will try to leave out too many details even though it will be hard.

Before I get started please keep in mind that, from a 1st wife’s perspective (well, mine I guess), we are giving part of our lives not just our stuff.  Yes.  I said giving.  Some may seem expected and small while others rather significant depending on your point of view.

I feel like I should mention that the 2nd wife and I were going to welcome the 3rd wife in together but just a few weeks before, she bailed.  I love her dearly and it was really hard.   I think I know it was because of the pressures of bringing a new wife in, the teens were not happy and I think she caved.  She would not give a reason so I don’t know for sure.  No. I don’t have resentment toward the new wife because… if she wouldn’t have come then the other one would have stayed.  People have asked that so I thought I would just mention it now.  Another thing that might be important is that both were mainstream LDS but had gained a testimony of plural marriage.  This was helpful because we all came from similar backgrounds.

Pre-discussions and Time Before

The FIRST time we spent some time talking and discussed the “27 Rules of Celestial Marriage” by Orson Pratt and seemed to agree on most things.  We spent a lot of time together as a family rather than one-on-one time.  Maybe that’s because we had kids that were about the same age so it was easier and more fun.  When we went to these activities, we had to take two cars and she insisted to ride with me and explained that she didn’t want anything to do with the relationship if she didn’t have one with me.  I liked that and it made me feel relieved, of course.  It’s important for a 1st wife to know the new wife is giving some thought to the existing wife or wives.

With the SECOND, I had a few discussions with her but mostly testimony and personality traits etc.  No logistics whatsoever were discussed.  However, we did talk about how, if the husband has the final say, there will be fewer problems.  While I agree with this idea wholeheartedly, I have seen it be used as a tool for one wife to actually rule the family through her persuasive (others would use the word manipulative) power over the husband—unbeknownst to the husband.

We didn’t spend much time all together.  The husband spent the most time with her while I held down the fort.   This was not because the husband and I didn’t try.  I tried to instigate outings but there just wasn’t the interest.  In fact, I invited her to come to the ice cream shop because I had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and I was glad she accepted.  But, when it came right down to it (the husband arrived), she decided to stay and asked me to bring hers back.  Well, that was a devastating and blow and I realized she was what I call a “multiple monogamist” at heart.

Recap:  The FIRST time was good because we got to know each other as a family but also as individuals.  That was also bad because she expressed feelings that the husband didn’t really get to know her and she him.  I took it at face value so when the SECOND time came around, I went overboard the other way—even with living space and time after marriage.  I can see how that would trade new problems for the old but I couldn’t see it at the time.  The FIRST definitely had more value for the whole.  We had figured out how to talk to each other and made decisions together and then brought them to the husband to add and/or take away.  It worked out very nicely and saved time and grief for him.

Living Space

In the FIRST experience we were not in a position to pay for an apartment and neither was she.  She didn’t have a job or a car and had two little kids.  So, we had a mother-in-law outbuilding that we refinanced our house to fix up.  It added about seven years and $250 per month to our mortgage but we ALL felt it was the best arrangement.  It worked well as the husband got to spend time with all the kids and wives when he got home from work.  We were able to eat together, etc.   We just alternated nights and it worked out great.  It wasn’t but a couple of months, though, that her ex found out about her lifestyle and was threatening custody so she had to get an apartment.  This caused some rifts and it didn’t help that the time and money was stretched thin.  After she moved, she felt that the husband didn’t feel at home at her place, so she started moving some of his things that he cherished over to her apartment; things like books and camping stuff.   He was uncomfortable with this.  He DID indeed feel the family’s home was where we had originally talked about and that was all together.  We still alternated nights but it was really hard because I couldn’t get a hold of him sometimes and had to drive 20 minutes when there was something pressing to talk to him about and vice versa. Ugh…living that far from each other definitely put a strain on things.

The SECOND time we didn’t really discuss living arrangements because the plan was she was going to live in the apartment below the second wife but, of course that fell through at the last minute, so I decided to move a few of my things out to the mother-in-law apartment while they were gone for a week on their honeymoon.  This was as a gesture so it would be known I was willing to move out there and also because there wouldn’t be much time when they got back. It had been winterized so it would only be a bedroom until summer.  When they got home, the husband said he thought it would be best if she had her own space without the kids running around but she refused to have her room out there so she took the master bedroom in the house and I went out there.  We shared a kitchen and the rest of the living space.  Some of my children moved out with me when summer came.

Time

I was still feeling bad about the statement the first one said about feeling like she didn’t get to know the husband and he didn’t feel at home with her so I thought maybe I would take less time with the husband.  Instead of alternating equally and every night, I offered to have ¼ of the time.  She accepted without hesitation.  We shared dinner responsibilities every other day but soon changed to trading off every week.  We suddenly got new rules for our home and new places for things. I don’t know what that tells you, but it tells me that my husband was being influenced by and trying to please her or something because he never imposed new rules on the family like that before.  This did not go over very well with me or the kids.  If you read the Daniel and the Lion’s Den story, you will see this same type of thing.

Recap

The FIRST time was very good as we had our own space but also had closeness.  There were a few changes to the place she did that I thought were stepping over the bounds but we always worked them out.  The real problems didn’t start until she had to move away.  The SECOND time was okay but there was a constant overstepping of bounds, at least from my perspective.  No matter how good an idea or change is, if it’s too soon or too overbearing, it’s not going to go over very well.  The main problem was that she kept telling me that she already talked to the husband and he gave his approval and, to her, that’s all that mattered.  All she had to do was talk to him and I was forced.  I think a detail is necessary to fully understand the 1st wife’s point of view. The detail I have chosen (because it was one that didn’t affect the kids and is sort of petty) to share is about the placement of the spatulas and ladles, etc.  You know…some people have them in a canister on the counter near the stove for convenience and others keep them in a drawer.  I could see how convenient it was to have them on the counter and didn’t mind the clutter look.  But, I had tried many ways to do things in the house over the years and found, in this instance, keeping them in the drawer was best because living in the country brought more flies than living in the city.  The utensils would often have fly specks on them so I it was cleaner and less gross if we kept them in the drawer.  I explained this and voiced my disappointment that she took it upon herself to go buy a canister:  First, because I already had one and Second, because there was no discussion or asking about whether I had tried it before and if I had, why I didn’t do it or like it.  Anyway, the resolve was that she promised to wash, with soap, the utensils before using them on any food that we would be eating.  This caused problems because I and the kids saw many instances that this was not happening.  It may seem like a petty thing but it’s not necessarily about the placement.  It’s more about…if the respect is not there to talk about something like that, what other things can happen due to lack of respect?  Having respect and interest in the wife as much as the husband is so important but sometimes, the husband and some wives get it in their heads that if every decision and problem goes through the husband and he has the only say then all will be well.  Unfortunately, this is not the case most of the time because the squeaky wheel gets the grease and sometimes the husband feels he has to cater to one or the other for various reasons.  If decisions are based on logic and right vs. wrong and not by the fear of consequences (typically a wife being upset), then the wives will have more respect for the husband and be more obedient.

Where Will the Brineys Live? (or Living Arrangements in Polygamous Families)

In the final episode of Seeking Sister Wife‘s first season, the Briney family is getting ready to move out of state, but there was a difference in point of view about whether all the wives should continue to live together or not.  In the final scenes Auralee is an absolute saint.  She extends the olive branch in an amazing way to her sister wife, April.  Angela chimes in as well, and they all end up coming together in a beautiful way for the good of the family in both practical and emotional ways.

family chat

As may be expected, working out where everyone lives is a very common dilemma facing plural families, and it can be handled in a variety of ways.  Some families live in a single dwelling, sharing the same kitchen and living room (like the Alldredges do).  Some families may live in a single dwelling with separate apartments like my house or like the Fosters or Morrisons.  Some families have separate houses for the wives, but they are all in close proximity to one another, on the same property (or in the same cul-de-sac, like the Brown family currently does).  Some families may have separate houses for each wife, and those houses may be in separate cities or states.  I even know one family where the wives are in separate countries halfway around the world from each other (although they are working toward living all together).

Furthermore, many plural families are somewhere in between these various solutions, scalesor in transition between them.  For example, I know a family with three wives.  Two of them lived together in a single dwelling while the third (who was reportedly more difficult to live with) lived in a separate city.  Later on, the third, separate-city wife moved to a separate house next door to the other two, and lived there for a while.  Now they are all living together under one roof!  Ultimately, the solution to this problem will be different for each family, and lies in finding the correct balance between the practical and the emotional.  Both are very real issues, and need to be addressed.

The practical side of the question deals with resources like time and expense.  It is certainly more expensive to live apart: There are multiple rents or mortgages to pay, separate utility bills will add up to greater expense than a combined bill, more property taxes, more home insurance, more time and expense for home maintenance, added expense for owning duplicates of many items, and additional time and expense is involved in travel between homes.  These, and a great many other things, are practical factors that must be considered.  I think a general consideration of practical factors will favor living together.

The emotional side of the question deals with feelings, perceptions, and jealousies.  Some wives may not be able to stand seeing their husband show affection for another wife, may not be able to abide sharing a kitchen or other living areas, or may have or want different rules for their children.  Kody Brown once said, “I have two wives who think sharing a kitchen is abusive”.  This is in contrast to the Darger family whose philosophy is: If you can’t share a kitchen, what business do you have sharing a husband?  Of course, the Dargers are somewhat of a special case as the wives are already close relatives (which I am sure has been a blessing to their family).  I mean, how different could their kitchen management styles be?  They all have the same grandma.  They probably all have the same book of family recipes.

One plural wife I spoke with told me it can be harder to share a kitchen than to share a husband.  So, if you are adding an extra master bedroom to your house to accommodate a new sister wife, you may want to consider adding another kitchen too.  Each family will have to find what works best for them.

Children further complicate emotional considerations.  Children from different wives may have rivalries (especially if they are from previous marriages) or resentments.  In addition, there may be worries about societal perceptions. (What will the neighbors think?  What will my friends think?  What will our extended families think?)  Finally, some people may just be plain old difficult to live with — there are personality conflicts of all kinds.  These, and a great many other things, are emotional factors that must be given consideration.  I think a general consideration of emotional factors will favor living apart.

From my point of view, I think most (perhaps all) polygamist men want to have their families together as much and as close as possible.  If a plural family is not living together, it is very often because of difficulties between wives, or children from different wives (think of Sarah and Hagar, and Isaac and Ishmael, for example).  I was once talking with my grandpa about the scriptures when the subject of Abraham’s wives came up.  He said it was a shame that Abraham had married Hagar (because it led to difficulties that separated his family) and that he shouldn’t have done it in the first place.  I told him the shame was not that they married, but that they didn’t stay together and try to work out their problems.  Well, I’m not trying to pass any judgment on Abram, or his views on marriage and family, but I do think it is generally better to work on problems while problems can be worked on – even if some separation is warranted while the problems are being resolved (it may take years in some cases).  Anything worth having is worth working for.

Why would plural husbands generally want their family together?  There are certainly the financial pieces, which I mentioned above, and this weighs heavily on most husbands’ minds.  In addition, a husband will be able to more effectively portion his time between the members of his family and his other household duties.  Another important factor is the way that close-living facilitates family activities, family teaching, and family worship.  Finally, there is a desire among men, even if subconscious, to have their wives and children close for the sake of protecting them.  If a family can make it work, there are so many benefits to living together!

From a Biblical perspective, during the time when a couple was engaged to be married, the bridegroom would go away for a time and busy himself preparing a home for his new bride to live in.  If the man had more than one wife, he would have prepared a home for each of them in turn.  The home(s) would be built on the ancestral lands of the bridegroom’s father.  The bride-to-be fully expected to receive her own home to live in (whether this was a separate dwelling, or an extension of the existing family dwelling, would depend on the particular family and circumstance), and providing one for her was part of the future husband’s duties toward her.  When the home was made ready, the bridegroom would return for his bride, receive her to himself, and lead her to her new home which would become her responsibility to tend and care for.

In my Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I come again, and will receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. – John 14:2,3