Genesis 2:24 – Speaking of Polygamy…

Telling your LDS family and friends that you are a polygamist is a surprisingly difficult thing to do. In general, I would say that the drama and push-back related to people outside our family has made more difficulties than any of the problems within our family. I’m not saying our family is perfect, none is. Nevertheless, this (more difficulty related to outside problems than inside) has been our experience. I will also say, for the benefit of anyone else in our position:

You do not need to let outside problems become inside problems!

That is to say, you do not need to let problems external to your marriage(s) and family work themselves into problems internal to your marriage(s) and family. Just don’t let them in. If you can stick together (cleave), and not let outside problems get in between you, your marriage will be strong enough to overcome anything that may come your way. Alas, this is sometimes easier said than done, and frail humans as we are, we sometimes like to shoot ourselves with bullets others give us.

All that being said, there has been a mixture of responses; including some positive, some neural, some negative, and some criminal. Here is one exchange that was somewhat mild. We met in person with many of our close family members, then I sent out an email to the larger extended family. One of my cousins, Kelly, was serving on a mission for the LDS Church at the time (my email was forwarded to her by her sister) and this is her response to my announcement:

Subject: Hello Josh

To: **********

Date: Tuesday, July 5, 2016, 4:16 PM

Hello Josh

So I just read an email that Jamie sent me. I am not going to lie, I was disappointed when I read the email about how you now are in a plural marriage. I had no idea that this even happened. It was a very big shock. I just wanted to say that I don’t agree with it. The Church does not practice this, nor has any reason to practice this anymore. I also wanted to say that I still love you. I am grateful that you are my cousin and I will always love you.

Love Sister Kelly ********

Here is my response to her:

Hello Kelly,

The Church does not practice or preach A LOT of things anymore that it used to. That is what the Church is prophesied to do in the Book of Mormon – and so, everything is as it should be (isn’t God amazing?!). As far as not having any reason to practice it anymore, there are many leaders of the Church who have disagreed with you, and have taught that the practice would be restored to the church in the future. I am not claiming that the time has come for that, I only point out that your point of view is in disagreement with many leaders of the Church (which I think is great!).

In fact, I also have some points of view that are in disagreement with the leaders of the Church. You might be surprised to know that I believe it was a mistake that the Church ever practised plural marriage at all, LOL! Many, many, many sections of the D&C are addressed to the “church”, but Section 132 is not (it would take a long time to explain why, so I won’t take the time here).

Of course, I am already well aware that the Church no longer practices it. I am glad that you realize this as well. In a remarkable twist of roles, the Church has become the persecutor of those who keep this practice (it is amazing how quickly we forget history – and how quickly we become intolerant of others who do the same things we used to do, just a few generations ago). We (as a church) pleaded for tolerance in the late 1800s, but refuse to grant it now to others (Jesus gave parables about that sort of behavior – Matthew 18:21-35).

If you have read my email, you should know that I am also aware that the Church disapproves of the practice. Of course, our actions are not about pleasing the Church, but rather about pleasing God. I realize that you will not agree with that, and I respect your right to believe that pleasing the Church is identical to pleasing God.

I’m sorry you are disappointed, but I’m also not surprised. Fortunately, the decision had absolutely nothing to do with you, and should not affect your life in any tangible way.

Thanks for letting me know that you still love me. I still love you too.

Shalom,

Joshua

After some initial awkwardness when she returned home, my cousin and I (including all the rest of my family) are on good terms now.

Q: You want to know what problem with polygamy is?

A: Multiple Mother-in-Laws.

OK, joking aside (and I’m only partially joking), I feel the need to say a few words about the Snowdens’ most recent interaction with Ashley’s mother, Donna. Don’t get me wrong, I think the Snowdens are doing great this time around! But I did find something very disconcerting about the most recent episode of Seeking Sister Wife.

Let me also say, I am very happy that Dimitri’s surprise turned out so well. It was a bold move for Dimitri, and, after all the extreme discomfort, Mama Donna was ultimately very graceful. It was a gratifying moment, and a lot of the credit for this had to do with Vanessa’s heartfelt and touching words – she is a gem. I think she won Mama Donna over. I also have to give some applause to TLC and the producers of Seeking Sister Wife. They are the masters of suspense and of the awkward situation. The awkwardness was so thick it was palpable. I’m sure there was so much editing and splicing in this scene, but it was entertaining nevertheless.

Alright, here is the issue I wanted to address: At 20 minutes and 24 seconds into the episode Dimitri says,

“If Mama Donna is not on board with Vanessa, you know, this could be the end of our relationship with Vanessa.”

the end of vanessa

As I mentioned earlier, I am very glad that things worked out for them, and I hope that this is not really what Dimitri meant to say; because, it is completely wrong to involve your parents, or your in-laws, in your marriage to the point of giving them veto power. Yes, parents need to be respected and indeed honored, but they are also supposed to be left behind.

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

They are supposed to be left behind in many ways. They are no longer supposed to be relied upon for financial or emotional support. And, while they may be consulted for advice, they are no longer to have any authority to make decisions for your life. Adults, and especially married people, must live their own lives, be responsible for their own decisions, and responsible for their own support, independent of their parents and other relatives. There is no closer relationship, and no bond tighter, than the one you have with your spouse(s).

This can be a very difficult thing for some people to do – difficult for both the parents and the children! I remember making announcements to our own extended family members when we had become polygamous. I had to remind so many of them that they could not make decisions for us, and to stop trying, and to stop fretting about it. After all, it would not affect them any more than they allowed it to.

I liked so much what Sophie Winder had to say on this subject a little earlier in the episode when she was talking to her brother,

Sophie Tells it

“I feel like I’m living this lifestyle with Tami and Colton because I was called to it. My marriage with Tami and Colton is what we build up, not what your opinion of it is.”

She goes on to say,

“The fact that my brother doesn’t necessarily agree with this lifestyle, you know, kind of sucks, but I firmly believe in my lifestyle, and I don’t feel like there’s any need to apologize, and so I’m going to choose what feels right for my life.”