living together – Speaking of Polygamy…

Hello, everyone. I am new at this so please bear with me.

I would like to introduce myself a little for those of you that do not know me. My name is Amber Sanders. My husband, myself, and my sisterwife live in Utah. David and I have been married now for 27½ years. We have 6 children: 2 are married and have their own families, 2 young adult children live at home, and our 2 youngest just turned 17 years old. David was just sealed to Tonya, my sisterwife, in February.

I was raised in the LDS Church, but was never very active. David was a convert to the LDS Church in June of 1995. We raised our kids in the Church but to this day none of them attend the LDS Church. This is mostly due to the way they were treated by the kids in our ward when they were young. But we did raise our kids to be their own thinkers and not to lean on others for opinions and such. So I am grateful that they are all on the paths that they want to be on for themselves.

We have lived in many places including Idaho, Maryland, North Dakota, and now Utah. Our journey in Fundamentalism started about 13 or 14 years ago. We have been mostly independent until a couple years ago we joined The Branch.

I work full-time from home for an advocate company helping disabled people with their disability claims. In my spare time I like to make quilts and watch TV crime shows like NCIS, Criminal Minds, and FBI. I also like to spend as much time with my grandkids and kids as possible. Some of my favorite things besides my grandkids would be sitting on the beach and watching the waves and smelling the ocean air; being on a quiet mountainside enjoying the view and the sounds of nature; fall is my favorite season, and yes I do love pumpkins; snowmen (my kids say I have a slight obsession with these); butterflies; and sunflowers.

My sisterwife Tonya just recently joined our family, and is having neck surgery so she does not work. She and I have been friends for several years. It has been a blessing having her as part of our family finally. And I will go more into this later on.

My husband, David, is a land surveyor by day and by night most people would know him as the Mormon Renegade. He has been a Surveyor for 25+ years now. He started his podcast around a year ago I guess, and it just keeps getting bigger all the time. He is working on some new stuff so if you follow him stay tuned for a new look coming soon. He talks about anything from religion, politics, to even one on weightlifting I believe. But mostly religious topics and secondly politics.

I would like to talk about plural marriage in today’s society and a little on how we live it and our experience with it.

With my husband’s podcast we hear things from listeners and get questions such as:

How can you live this life?
How does your household work?
How do your wives deal with jealousy issues?
What are some benefits (outside of your religious beliefs) to living plural marriage?

I will answer a few of the more family-oriented questions and ones that can be a bit more personal.

To start out, I am not a huge scripture person: I am not one that can spout off a scripture or tell you who said a certain comment. But I do know the things that are taught are the true gospel and I do have a strong testimony of Celestial or Plural Marriage.

David and I were in a plural marriage years ago for a few years that did not work out. We were not part of any group; we were independents at the time. I do not and will not talk about that relationship. But that is when we were first introduced to the thought of plural marriage.

Just a brief explanation on how it first came about. It was actually myself that had brought this up to David. I was reading Doctrine & Covenants 132 and then the Manifesto, and as I went over these I had a question for David. This ended up turning into David doing more of a deep dive into the Principle of plural marriage and more studying. We talked about it and prayed about it and both came to the conclusion that we were to be living plural marriage. Out of our control, that marriage did not last.

For the next several years David and I talked to many different fundamentalists and groups, and in the meantime we continued attending the LDS Church. We always felt like something was missing within our family and with the gospel.

After joining The Branch about a year and a half ago, the missing gospel piece has seemed to be filled. In October we were reunited with Tonya, whom we have known for around ten years.

When I first met Tonya several years ago, she and I connected in a very spiritual way. This is the best way I can describe it, but unfortunately the timing of things was not right. I knew back then that someday she would join my family. I didn’t know when or how but I knew someday she would.

Over the years we have kept in touch. She would keep us updated on events in her life, or would just reach out to say thanks for being there when she needed a friend. She had let David know she went through the LDS temple not too long ago and again thanked us for all we had done and taught her about the gospel.

Then she heard David’s podcast and she reached out in October to let him know she had heard it and really liked it and just wanted to catch up. Well, the rest is history: she is now part of our family and I couldn’t be happier.

Now, living plural marriage isn’t for everyone, and not all will be called to live it. But I know and have testimony that we have been called to live this principle.

For every family, how their family lives is all different. In some families, the wives will each have their own homes within the same areas, and in some, they will live in the same house. This all depends on the couples and also the resources they have.

For myself, I have always felt a strong sense of wanting my family to all be together under one roof. We are lucky enough to have a home at this time that accommodates that. We each have our own bedrooms and share the rest of the house.

I feel it is important to be able to be friends with your sisterwife. And I am again lucky to have that with Tonya. We were able to bond all those years ago and have been able to strengthen that bond over the last several months.

I feel it is important that we can learn from each other. Where Tonya has not been in a family situation like ours before, there are things that I have been able to teach her and work on together with her for our home. These moments are not only important teaching moments but precious moments to cherish.

People ask about jealousy issues. This is a hard one because if you say there is never any jealousy you are not only lying to yourself but to your loved ones. But I will say that when you know that you are living in a plural marriage because you have been called to do so by God, the sting is less hurtful. I think one of the best things that has helped us thus far is to always let each other know how we are feeling. Or if we have an issue with something, to not hold it in and fester on it, but to talk to one another about it so the issue can be worked out. And most of the time it ends up being a simple fix or misunderstanding of some sort. So I would have to say just like that line of communication is important with your Heavenly Father, It is also important with your spouse and sisterwife.

What are some benefits (outside of your religious beliefs) to plural marriage? On this, I would have to say, the friendship that you build with your sisterwife is one of the biggest for me. Not all that live it are able to have this. I am so grateful that I have a strong friendship with my sisterwife.

Others are things like strengthening the family. I do believe that plural marriage should only be lived for religious beliefs. Anything outside of that is not of God and if it is not being lived for the correct purposes then it is not right.

The last question and the most important one: How can you live this lifestyle? I have touched on this some already. But to sum it up, we have been commanded to live in plural marriage. In Doctrine & Covenants 132 God gives us this commandment and explains the law to us. Although some people believe that we are no longer to live it, I stand to believe that we have a never-changing God. He will not command us one day to do one thing then turn around the next and tell us something different. He is a steady and never-changing Being.

I bear testimony that if we follow these commandments and are called to live this law, that we can be happy in our choices and that we can all learn to love our sisterwives and each other. I bear testimony that I know the Law of Celestial Marriage is correct and I am glad I have the opportunity to live it.

When I went through a divorce, it was the toughest time in my life. Anger and frustration about what I had endured for twenty years surfaced. I was mad with no outlet and no one to help. I talked with a friend who told me that I had to explain what happened in my life, without mentioning my ex-wife. It was hard because I wanted to lash out and place blame. I learned that I could not blame someone else for my issues.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ speaks of forgiving and forgetting. In the Lord’s Prayer, He says, “…and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (Matt. 5:12) Jesus also speaks in Matthew 18 of a servant who owed his king ten thousand talents (let’s say dollars). The servant pleaded with the king not to sell all of his possessions, including his wife and children, but to give him more time to allow him to pay back the debt. The king in his mercy forgave the debt and the man went on his way. This same servant was owed one hundred pence (let’s say cents) by another servant. The second servant begged forgiveness and time to pay it back. This second servant was thrown in prison until he could pay. The king got wind of this and had no more mercy for the first servant, and put him to the tormentors until all was paid back that was due.

I realized how much I need to forgive how I felt I was wronged. Sometimes we feel we have been wronged, but in fact, life has just dealt us a bad hand. Sometimes we don’t see the consequences of our choices, prior to making the choice at the time. Sometimes, someone else is a bit blinded when they hurt or offend us. I knew I had to let go of my pains, and actually repent of my choices that caused my ex-wife pain also.

I decided to really look at what it means to forgive and forget. In my mind, I was saying the word…forgive…forgive….fore…give. Soon a thought entered my mind as I broke the word apart. To me, fore means “prior to” and give means “to present something of value.” Again fore means “prior to” and get means “to receive something of value.”

To forgive, in a gospel sense, means to give them something of value prior to a test or trial of the relationship. To forget, in a gospel sense, means to receive something of value prior to a test or trial of the relationship.

As an example, my neighbor has given us firewood during the winter, helped with moving bales of hay, helped buy hay, and many other things of service to me and my family. We have given his family baby goats, metal and plastic water containers for his animals, and other things to help them. We each have for(e)given and for(e)gotten each other.

If my neighbor had to borrow my car and while using it, the car was damaged, I would be quick to forgive his action as we have already forgiven and forgotten each other. This is easier to do to those whom you already love. Jesus mentioned this in the beatitudes when he said,

46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Matthew 5:46-47

To love someone who loves you is easy.

To love someone who you have not already forgiven and forgotten, is much harder and is where the true test comes in. Can you forgive and forget, especially someone who has hurt you and with whom there will never be any reconciliation? The following article shows a group of people who did just that:

On October 2, 2006, a shooting occurred at the West Nickel Mines School, an Amish one-room schoolhouse in the Old Order Amish community of Nickel Mines, a village in Bart Township, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania Gunman Charles Carl Roberts IV took hostages and shot ten girls (aged 6–13), killing five, before committing suicide in the schoolhouse. The emphasis on forgiveness and reconciliation in the Amish community’s response was widely discussed by the national media. The West Nickel Mines School was later demolished, and a new one-room schoolhouse, the New Hope School, was built at another location.
Wikipedia

This story tells of a man who entered an Amish school. We actually live in Amish country, and it is their belief that they don’t use weapons to harm someone else. They don’t defend themselves because they believe God will defend them or they would suffer rather than kill someone else. When this happened, it was told how the community forgave the man and his family. They knew the murderer had mental issues, and the Amish community had mercy on him and even mourned with his family.

So, if you are having a hard time forgiving someone of their trespasses or offenses, do as Jesus advised when he said,

44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
Matthew 5:44-45

To love those who love you, is an easy thing to do. If that was all that was asked of us, it would be easy for us. We are instead asked to love those who aren’t so easy to love. When it comes to forgiving and forgetting, we “fore-give” without “fore-getting” from a person that we are dealing with. This means we don’t have an interchange with that person, for whatever reason. Instead, we “fore-get” from Jesus and give to someone who we may feel doesn’t deserve it. In this way, we become more like Jesus, who atoned for us, knowing that we could not pay him back.

In plural marriage, there must be a constant forgiving and forgetting. When two or more wives share the same space, there is a lot of stepping on toes. Often women will revert to walking on eggshells or avoiding conflict. This leads to other issues and soon no one feels like they are heard or understood. Wedges come between the women and they turn to the man to do something to solve the issue. The man, who loves all of the women equally cannot solve the issue by taking sides. His role is to mediate and teach forgiveness, especially by example.

To forgive and forget not only means to let go of what has happened to you and forget about it; in my opinion, it also means to show love before a negative situation happens, as well as showing love when it isn’t always due.