Plural wife – Speaking of Polygamy…

Where do I find you?

When I first had a chance to live plural marriage, my wife and I met with a friend who was going through a tough time with her current husband. I will not go into details as it is her story to tell, but I will say that divorce was necessary for her to stay alive. She came to live with us for peace and protection as I was in law enforcement as a career.

After many trials of moving and my own marriage ending in divorce over plural marriage, I tried again to find someone. My second wife became my only wife (in one sense you could say she became my “first wife”) and we tried the online dating scene (polygamy dating sites) as online dating was gaining popularity and we wanted to see who was out there. I gave my wife all of the information of who I was talking with and what was going on. I talked with some women, but it was awkward and there were many just trying to scam.

In online dating, I believe there are those who would seek to join a family, but they also have been burned or just hammered by so many men or couples seeking that they get overwhelmed. I was honest in my profile and put myself out there to see what would happen. There were nice conversations until half-naked pics started coming in, with a need for a new cell phone, or a plane ticket to get out of Africa.

One time, I assumed I was talking with a blonde American woman (based on her profile and picture), but I was surprised when I received a video call from her. I answered and an African woman appeared and quickly hung up. I called her out and she said I was the one who was wrong and was lying about who I was.

My advice is to give up on searching online for someone. Stick to what you know and who you know.

Tracy, one of my wives, was found by my family in a group of friends that met once a month to get together and talk. After talking for a while, Tracy told me that she noticed how I treated Melanie (my only wife at the time) and that was honorable. She said she would like someone to treat her that way. I introduced polygamy to her and later she joined our family.

Another wife, Stephanie was found by me as I was looking for her. I had in my mind an impression of someone, so I searched friends of friends on Facebook. She was with a family that I knew growing up, but she did not look like the family. We talked and I found out she was adopted into the family. In time, we talked about how hard it was for her to find a good man, and she even said she was sad to learn that I was not available since I was married. I explained polygamy to her and in time, she joined our family as well.

So why do I date or seek another wife? I have been in law enforcement for over twenty-five years, and I have seen time after time, a woman in a bad marriage. This woman wants to leave, but what else is out there for her? Is there someone willing to take on the children and support them? Is there someone willing to just love her for who she is?

To me and my family, plural marriage isn’t about how many wives I can attain. It isn’t about how many children I can make. It is not about my status. It is about coming together and helping one another as a village but done with covenants and promises. It is done with time, patience, understanding, patience, learning, patience, long suffering, and patience.

We live on a farm and have land enough to sustain a large family. Not only could I use more help with gardening, animal husbandry, collecting fire wood, and construction of housing, but we also want to have a place where children can be taught in our own home. Right now, we only have one child at home, a six-year-old with only goats, sheep, and adults to be around. She needs some siblings!

I date to find someone to join our family, and our movement to a better life for all of us. I have found that it is more successful to find someone who is in need of a family such as ours, and who we have some connections with. So where are you? Where is the next one to join our family?

I know this post is an episode behind, but I’ve got to get down some of my thoughts about it before I move on.

I think the whole thing was blown entirely out of proportion. All the previews built up this impression that Bernie was acting in a wildly inappropriate way, but when it actually aired it was seen that it was all just a load of hot air. From what I saw, Bernie is essentially innocent. He didn’t initiate the sexting at all, and Paige herself says Bernie is the one that put an end to it when the woman started to get explicit. I don’t see what is the problem here. It seems like Paige should be proud of her man for that, rather than chastising him for what the other woman sent to him without any solicitation on his part (by this I mean without solicitation for the sexually explicit messages). It is amazing really, and a bit strange.

I also feel like I need to give some props to Bernie here. From what was shown, I would say he handled things very well. He stopped the potentially inappropriate text conversation, and he handled his wife, and her complaints, in a very gracious manner. He ended up apologizing for nothing (he says at first that he didn’t think he had crossed a line – and he is right) in order to protect his relationship – and hey, sometimes you might have to do that. But I’m not sure that apologizing for non-offenses every time they arise is going to be a sustainable long-term solution to the problem.

It seems to all come down to Paige’s well-developed (and dare I say, overdeveloped) sense of jealousy. This is definitely a large hurdle for the McGees and a challenge she has to personally deal with. Jealousy over a husband’s time, affection, and resources is an expected (tho not required!) emotion that has to be dealt with by most plural families, but Paige’s worries go even farther. She thinks she will also be jealous about her children’s time and affection for the new wife (this is in the first episode). I wonder if she will feel even more jealousy when the dogs end up liking the new wife as well?

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OK, joking aside, these are serious matters to deal with, and while I was disappointed to see Bernie chided for things he should have been praised for, I do have to give some credit to Paige as well. She admits that she doesn’t know what can and cannot be said between a husband and a potential plural wife (she just knows how it made her feel). I think that’s a fair thing for her to say, and here is my fair response:

The wives should be on equal terms, and with equal privileges. The second wife (and her relationship to their husband – or potential relationship) should not be subject to any restrictions that the first wife and her relationship are not (or were not) also under. Especially if those restrictions are placed on the new wife by the first wife – those are dangerous waters to be treading in. If it was fine for the first wife, it is fine for the second. End of story.

Paige says that when she and Bernie were courting they had, “free discussions” but now that he is married that is not allowed any more. I say bologna. She asks him about holding hands, kisses good night, etc.? One possible response to this question is: Did she and Bernie hold hands, kiss good night, talk about sex, etc.? My guess is that the answer is likely “yes” on all counts – she probably asks this question because she was remembering her own behaviors when she was courting. Not that these things are required for a relationship to progress, but they are normal, healthy, and acceptable behaviors. She says it is about Bernie “respecting” her and their relationship, but I see it much more as disrespect and devaluation, on her part, towards the potential second wife in not allowing her the same privileges she enjoyed – and this would be a very unhealthy way to start a relationship.

I guess another way of saying this is that Paige should not be berating Bernie ex post facto. Their agreement was no sexual intimacy before commitment (a.k.a. marriage), which is an excellent rule to abide by. Bernie did not break this rule, and is therefore innocent. He did not even violate the spirit of this rule. “This is borderline cheating,” she says, but I say it is nothing of the sort; furthermore, the line should not be moved after the fact.

Is it cheating or isn’t it? When it comes to laws and rules, it is not right to hold someone hostage with a fuzzy, ill-defined, gray area that may change in shape or scope with the whims of emotion. It reminds me of the very good rule the Snowdens laid down in the first episode of this season. Ashley told Dimitri that he was allowed to think Vanessa is beautiful, and he was allowed to tell her she was beautiful, but he just wasn’t allowed to act on it.

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Something else to consider is the situation the potential second wife finds herself in. She wants to gain the attention/attraction/affection of a man who already has a wife, and who is (presumably) already having sex. Hopefully, it’s no secret that one of the things women bring to a relationship is sex-appeal. Certainly this is not all they bring, but it is a significant part of what they bring, and this is every bit as true in monogamy as it is in polygamy. It is nothing to criticize, or belittle, and it is not strange or creepy. It just needs to be understood as the proper and biological reality of the situation. However, this fact may lead her to believe that she is at a disadvantage, since her potential man is already having sex. As a result, she may feel like she needs to assure him that she will also be sexually pleasing. This is a good and natural desire, and concern, for a woman to have – to want to please her future spouse (and good men are concerned about pleasing their spouse(s) as well).

While I can understand this point of view, I will say to any potential sister wife:

YOU SINCERELY DO NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THIS.

That is all I will say for now (but more on this later).

I could understand limiting things in a second courtship if it was a mistake in the first courtship (like Dimitri drawing a line for Vanessa on their first Date). Beyond this, if it is not sinful, or prohibited by some agreement between spouses, then there should be no attempt to make the parties feel guilty over it. And yet, the emotions here can be so raw and dangerous, that everyone needs to tread cautiously.

My serious advice to potential plural husbands, in this area, is that you should be open about the relationship, but not open about the affection/intimacy. In other words, keep it private between you and the new, or potential, wife; especially when the relationship is so new. Doing otherwise probably won’t be good for anyone.

My serious advice to current wives is: Don’t be going thru his accounts! This (Paige snooping thru Bernie’s messages) actually seems like a much bigger breach of trust to me, than Bernie’s handling of the sexting. Just as I was typing this I recollected that Charlotte, when I was courting Melissa, told me that she knew my email password, but that she wanted me to change it, and that she had decided not to go snooping into correspondence between us. What an amazing woman she is!