Relationships – Speaking of Polygamy…

⁵Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth.

⁶Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee.

⁷Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

Proverbs 4:5-7 King James Version

I have a laundry system in place that really works…for me.

Before bed, I gather everything I can and put it in the laundry room. If I have 3 or more loads waiting I run a load of towels for a first wash.

I get up early and run the second wash on the towels or start a load of laundry. I’m usually done by about 11am.

This works for me because it keeps the machines available for semi-crisis and crisis situations like people vomiting with 13 extra loads of laundry, floods needing lots of towels (see toddler handbook), or a machine breaking down and someone needing to use one or both of mine. It keeps those 0-3 loads able to be put away in a timely manner and I resent dirty clothes, so it helps me have a clear head and not feel like it’s all looming over me.

I also have small hacks in place like 8ish laundry baskets which stack, do double duty as transportation up and down the stairs and they fit perfectly in IKEA Kallax furniture, so they are also storage totes.

There, that’s enough backstory.

I went to visit my daughter last month in another state. I went to visit my daughter last month in another state with the intent to help out while my son-in-law recovered from surgery.

While there, I intended to help get her laundry caught up, so I applied my laundry system to her situation which left me with a huge pile of clean unsorted clothing. I created a daunting overwhelming task.

So, I did what moms sometimes do and found myself extolling the virtues of my laundry system. Even going so far as to suggest some products that really work for me like the four-dollar flexible laundry baskets from Walmart – I love them.

Then I shut up and I listened to my daughter.

She’s smart, she’s capable, and she has reasons for the things that she does. She has her own system in place. She is a once a week laundry girl. Her husband works from home and she leaves the house daily which results in too many times laundry left in machines for too long. Her system is to have each person have their own basket and each person has their own loads. This keeps things organized and entire loads go back to one room. This keeps her from having a huge pile of unsorted clean laundry. My failure in overlaying my system on hers.

It was huge for me to have a case in point that you give help based on what is wanted within the method and within the vision that is currently in use. This takes listening and understanding why things are the way they are. It demands respect and honor of someone else’s differences. It doesn’t need to impact how you run your own life. If you take judgment from it, that’s on you.

So of course I applied all of this to my plural marriage.

The mistake sisterwives often make with each other is in applying what they would do in any given situation to what the other is currently doing.

For example, when adding a wife in and welcoming her into their existing home, some first wives do a whole I’m going to decorate my new sisterwife’s space deal, when the better option is to prepare a blank slate and then give the incoming wife the time, and resources to create what she wants for her space.

The same issue can come up with a new addition attempting to make changes to established patterns. Seek first to understand. Then when full understanding is created and respect is given, you can decide if what you would like to change is doable or even still applicable.

I went home after 6 days, my daughter’s laundry caught up, deeper relationships between little sons and little grandsons formed, and with a whole new appreciation for my beautiful and capable daughter.

Integration is hard stuff. We have to be willing to not demand that someone else justify why they do what they do. We have to not take judgment when someone does something differently than we do and also not to give judgment because it is different. We have to give space to allow others their agency. Particularly, when we are in a position of helper, we need to allow their system to run unimpeded.

Assuming good intent and competence is key.

Assuming good intent and competence is key.
Melissa

My sisterwife left today. She took her children, got on an airplane, and flew across the country.

She’ll be back in a week. She’s just gone to visit with and help some family members.

My sisterwife had told me her intention to leave for the airport at a certain time this morning, but because of the snow, she got out the door earlier than planned. I was surprised when I learned she’d left because she hadn’t said goodbye. I texted her and lovingly reprimanded her for not letting me give her a proper fare-thee-well.

Having her gone is weird. I’m so used to her being here. Even when we’re not in the same room, I still know she’s there when I need her. When she’s home, I also know any of my children can also go to her when they need her. Having her gone takes recalibrating on my part. But we still text each other and share photos and keep in touch.

Having Melissa’s children gone is also really weird. They’re so cute and fun, and I love the way they address me: “Mama Charlotte, can I have batteries for my RC car?” “Mama Charlotte, can I have some blueberries?” “Mama Charlotte, will you please get me a drink of water?” “Mama Charlotte, may I go with you on your walk?”

My children play with Melissa’s children constantly, so they will have to find other ways to occupy themselves for the next 7 days, especially my youngest son. He sleeps in the boys’ room on Melissa’s side of the house, and often eats breakfast with her and her children before I even realize he’s awake for the day.

I always miss all of them when they’re gone, and the house doesn’t feel right. Whenever they get home, even if it’s late at night, we usually have a mini party: hugs and kisses all around, some kind of special beverage or treat, maybe some decorations, lots of stories and catching up.

Another weird part about having Melissa gone is that Joshua will be with me every night. That includes me making dinner for him every single day, instead of only half the time. I suppose I used to do that, but it isn’t something I’m used to anymore.

In fact, altho the whole family officially only shares one dinner per week (Friday night dinner, for Shabbat), we regularly eat each other’s food or (even more often) the children eat what their “other mother” is serving. Our diets are going to be more boring for the next few days!

Melissa didn’t leave us completely empty-handed, however. Last night she cooked corned beef and cabbage (for St. Patrick’s Day) and served it to all of us, and we ate the leftovers with lunch today.