Seeking Sister Wife – Page 12 – Speaking of Polygamy…

Throughout the Seeking Sister Wife episodes so far, Ashley Snowden frequently talks about how she and Dimitri are looking for a sisterwife “together.”

I remember when I thought plural marriage was going to be a team effort. I thought the 3 of us would spend all this time together. I definitely thought we would all live together. I saw the theoretical benefits of having another mom around to help with kids. I imagined that my husband having another wife might mean I would get more time alone with my husband (because my sisterwife could watch the kids, instead of me always taking care of the children and my husband and me never getting time alone as a couple). At one point I even fantasized that I would share Melissa’s (teenaged) children with her the same way she would share my little kids with me, that we’d all just be one big happy blended polygamous family.

Boy, was I wrong about all of that. I remember realizing that, no, I was going to be left out of plenty of things. It wasn’t going to work out for us to live together. I wasn’t going to get the benefits of another woman around to share the workload. I wasn’t going to be included in every event and every date and every decision. I wasn’t going to get more alone time with my husband while my sisterwife babysat my kids. And her teenagers certainly weren’t going to consider me their second mom (wow, was I naïve about stepchildren).

I’m not saying that to highlight the negative. I just see similarities between what happened in my family with Melissa, and what’s happening in Ashley’s family with Joselyn in episode 3.

Ashley is very much in control as the steps are taken to begin dating Joselyn — the setting up of the online profile, the checking of their dating website messages, the responses to Joselyn, etc….

Then, when Joselyn is coming to visit the Snowdens in person, Ashley insists that the first “date” be with both herself and Dimitri.

Screenshot 2018-02-09 22.59.03 — “I think it makes sense to do the first date together.”

I’m not criticizing Ashley. I love how gung-ho she is about living in polygamy, and she’s one of my favorite people to watch on the show because she’s confident and well-spoken, and I think she and Dimitri are cute together. I just see so much of myself in her! I too was pushing and involved and confident and gung-ho, and I had this vision of how things were going to go, that we were going to do everything together.

And then my reality set in.

I don’t know. How Ashley’s family turns out will probably be different than how mine turned out. Perhaps her life will actually end up looking the way she currently envisions. I only know mine hasn’t, not at all, and there are a couple of moments in this episode that I watch and think, Oh, I know how she must be feeling!

One of the moments is when Dimitri suggests that he and Joselyn go on a date that evening, just the two of them, and Ashley stay home with the babies.

Screenshot 2018-02-09 23.22.40 — Dimitri suggests he and Joselyn go out sans Ashley, and he waits to see how she will answer.

Of course this was going to happen at some point. But it seemed to catch Ashley off guard. Maybe she thought when it happened that it would be her idea? After hesitating, she responded with a not-so-confident, “[Of] course.”

Obviously my husband was going to spend time one-on-one with my future sisterwife as well. He had a relationship to develop with this new woman. But it was still a time of intense emotion for me, when the theoretical became real, very real, and I wasn’t always thrilled with how things were playing out.

Dimitri knows Ashley well, and in a scene outside the restaurant, he asks her several questions directly: “You’re not just, like, passively okay? You want me to go? You’re, like, cheerleading me to go on a date? Pom-poms, Team Snowden?”

And to each one, Ashley says, “You should know me by now.”

Screenshot 2018-02-09 23.23.41 — “You should know me by now.”

Dimitri concludes, “She makes the I’m-not-feeling-it face.”

I remember Joshua asking me if I was sure I was okay with what was happening. And I was absolutely convinced that I was doing what God told me to do, so I wasn’t about to change my mind, and I always answered, “Yes, yes, yes, I’m sure,” even when I was crying and didn’t know how to handle the strong feelings I was having. (My poor husband.)

Ashley does go on to say, “You go on your date. Have a great time.” This is her being brave. This is her trying to be supportive, staying the course, and holding in the emotions. The emotions are hers to sort out, not Dimitri’s.

In the episode of Seeking Sister Wife called “Risky Business,” Ashley tells her mom Donna that she and Dimitri are starting to date again.

“When I’m doing something I know my mom won’t approve of, I just love telling her about it!” said no one ever.

Screenshot 2018-01-25 07.40.19

I think the conversation between Ashley and Donna went pretty well; here’s what Donna said [timestamp 33:23], and it is my favorite SSW moment thus far:

You a queen and he a king and y’all have your own castle, so you make your own decisions, and you do you.

– Donna (Ashley Snowden’s mom), Seeking Sister Wife, S1E2

What better response could you expect from a parent? I absolutely love this.

Parents need to let go of having control over (or even having a say in) their adult children’s lives. I’m happy for Ashley that her mom could be so mature and accepting of a lifestyle she wouldn’t choose for herself or her daughter.

I’ve had my share of similar dialogues. They can be very difficult. In our house, we’re not allowed to complain, but we’re allowed to say that something is “not my favorite.” So I’ll just say… Conversations like that one are not my favorite.

When we tell people about our polygamy, we never know what to expect, and we have gotten a whole spectrum of responses.

Some responses were laughable, some were cringe-worthy, some were supportive, some were hurtful, and some were memorable enough that they’ve become classic stories in our family. We’ve been cursed (literally); we’ve had people overcome with the Spirit and gain a testimony that we’re doing God’s will; we’ve had people shrug as if we just told them we like to eat spaghetti for dinner; we’ve had the cops called on us; we’ve had our Church leaders called on us; we’ve had DCFS (child protective services) called on us; we’ve had people stop talking to us; we’ve had people tell us about Dreams they’ve had about us; we’ve had people act shocked; we’ve had people nod and say, “Yeah, I figured.” We can never be sure how a person is going to react, but we always learn something about the person by how they behave towards us after they find out we’re polygamists.

Strangers have been easier for me to tell than people whom I’ve known my whole life. I suppose it’s because with a stranger I have nothing to lose: if they respond negatively, the relationship ends before it even begins. But with a long-time friend or a family member, I’ve invested in the relationship and will suffer a great loss if they reject me.

And rejection has been in plenty. Perhaps I will describe the depth of it in future posts. For now I’ll keep it on the positive side and share one of my favorite stories of a person’s reaction to my polygamous status:

We were at a large gathering and were meeting a lot of new acquaintances. Joshua and Melissa met this guy and got introduced as husband-and-wife, and 5 minutes later I met the same individual. He asked who I was married to, and I pointed out Joshua. He was confused and said, “But… I thought she was his wife…” and I just stood there nodding and smiling, and it slowly dawned on him what that meant. He said, “So… You’re polygamists?!” I confirmed and waited to see what his reaction would be. Pause… pause… pause… “That’s awesome!”

All these experiences, both positive and negative, help us figure out who our true friends are and who it is we want to continue having in our lives. And maybe my sisterwife Melissa is right when she says, “We are a test for people, to see whether or not they will be kind to us.”