Category: Life as a Polygamist

My sisterwife left today

My sisterwife left today.  She took her children, got on an airplane, and flew across the country.  

She’ll be back in a week.  She’s just gone to visit with and help some family members.  

My sisterwife had told me her intention to leave for the airport at a certain time this morning, but because of the snow, she got out the door earlier than planned.  I was surprised when I learned she’d left because she hadn’t said goodbye.  I texted her and lovingly reprimanded her for not letting me give her a proper fare-thee-well.  

Having her gone is weird.  I’m so used to her being here.  Even when we’re not in the same room, I still know she’s there when I need her.  When she’s home, I also know any of my children can also go to her when they need her.  Having her gone takes recalibrating on my part.  But we still text each other and share photos and keep in touch.  

Having Melissa’s children gone is also really weird.  They’re so cute and fun, and I love the way they address me: “Mama Charlotte, can I have batteries for my RC car?”  “Mama Charlotte, can I have some blueberries?”  “Mama Charlotte, will you please get me a drink of water?”  “Mama Charlotte, may I go with you on your walk?”  

My children play with Melissa’s children constantly, so they will have to find other ways to occupy themselves for the next 7 days, especially my youngest son. He sleeps in the boys’ room on Melissa’s side of the house, and often eats breakfast with her and her children before I even realize he’s awake for the day.  

I always miss all of them when they’re gone, and the house doesn’t feel right.  Whenever they get home, even if it’s late at night, we usually have a mini party: hugs and kisses all around, some kind of special beverage or treat, maybe some decorations, lots of stories and catching up.  

Another weird part about having Melissa gone is that Joshua will be with me every night.  That includes me making dinner for him every single day, instead of only half the time.  I suppose I used to do that, but it isn’t something I’m used to anymore.  

In fact, altho the whole family officially only shares one dinner per week (Friday night dinner, for Shabbat), we regularly eat each other’s food or (even more often) the children eat what their “other mother” is serving.  Our diets are going to be more boring for the next few days!  

Melissa didn’t leave us completely empty-handed, however.  Last night she cooked corned beef and cabbage (for St. Patrick’s Day) and served it to all of us, and we ate the leftovers with lunch today.  

Chanukah (and Life) with Two Wives

Last night was the 4th night of Chanukah.  We lit our menorahs, played dreidel, and ate fried foods.  Later my husband Joshua read to us another chapter from the exciting story of the Maccabees revolt against the wicked emperor Antiochus, who tried in vain to force the Jews to break the Law.  The retelling of the Chanukah story we’re currently reading was written by a plural husband who delightfully wrote two wives/mamas into the story.  

My sisterwife Melissa and I sat down a few days ago and planned the Chanukah menu: 8 nights of fried foods, including frybread, curly fries, beer-battered fish, donuts, latkes, onion rings, and a deep-fried turkey.  Tonight we’re enjoying deep-fried soft-boiled eggs and fried pickles.  

Several of us are gluten-free, and Melissa has been supportive in having a completely gluten-free Chanukah.  The sheep fat that fills my deep fryer is blessedly remaining uncontaminated, and no one needs to keep track of which foods can be eaten by which children.  (The sheep fat was rendered by Melissa, by the way, from a sheep that we raised on our property.)  

Melissa and I each have a Chanukah menorah in our respective living room window.  Every evening after sunset, we gather on her side of the house.  We recite the Chanukah blessing and light the candles in Melissa’s menorah; then we all move to my side of the house and light my menorah, then we sing our traditional Chanukah song, “In the Window.”  

Most of the Chanukah festivities happen in my great room because I have breastfeeding twins and it’s difficult for me to travel even as far as her living room (it typically takes me 4 trips over there to take both babies as well as everything I’ll need for them for a couple of hours).  

A while ago Melissa brought up the idea of having our evening family time in my living room every night instead of alternating living rooms (based on which wife Joshua is with that night).  Melissa had several reasons to make the suggestion, andI consider her generous to make the offer.  

Having family time in each wife’s living room in turn just makes sense in a plural family.  Generally, everything that can be alternated is alternated.  There are some logistical things that lead to differences, but if relationships are good, those differences don’t bother anyone.  

As an example of a logistically-caused difference, Melissa’s apartment has enough bedrooms (4) to allow for an office.  I have too many children and too few bedrooms (3) to allow for an office.  So when Joshua has office work to do, it just makes sense for him to work in Melissa’s office.  

I suppose this apparent inequality could bother me.  However, I would have to be insecure in my relationship with Joshua, and/or have a tense relationship with Melissa, for it to be irksome enough to be worth bringing up.  

(Come to think of it, perhaps it bothers Melissa for Joshua to be taking up the desk in her office, or for her apartment to have a lot of extra foot traffic due to people going to talk to Joshua.  It’s not always obvious who is on which side of an inequality.)  

Anyway, back to Melissa’s suggestion that we have family time (a.k.a., Shofar & Tell) in my living room every night.  I’m going to be honest; the idea had occurred to me in the past.  But I would never have suggested it.  Having family time in her living room on “her” nights is a long-standing policy that is fair and equal, and having it in my living room every evening was definitely her suggestion to make.  

Just in case you’re curious, here are the main reasons we started having Shofar & Tell in my living room.  

  1. Melissa won’t have to prepare her living room for the whole family to converge onto.
  2. Melissa won’t have to deal with the inevitable clutter my children and I leave behind.  
  3. My living room is part of a great room; in other words, the kitchen is attached to the living room with no separation.  This makes it easy for people to eat during Shofar & Tell while remaining in a kitchen. 
  4. Taking care of the twins is easier in my own space, for all the reasons you are familiar with if you have children (and more besides if you don’t have twins: I utilize four pillows and several other accessories to be able to nurse both babies at the same time).

There may have been other reasons, but those are the main ones.  I’m grateful to Melissa for not just being willing, but for making the suggestion.  

This evening 60 of our closest friends will be coming over for a Chanukah party that will utilize both my kitchen and Melissa’s.  The whole family has a lot of preparation to do to get ready – I better go!