Category: Life as a Polygamist

4 Ways My Sisterwife Helped Me When My Twins Were Born

Last year I gave birth to twins.  Baby A had to stay at the hospital for more than a month, while Baby B got to come home right away.  As you can imagine, this was a challenging time for me, for the babies, and for my whole family.  I was recovering from giving birth, I had a healthy newborn to feed and care for, I was pumping breastmilk around the clock to give to the hospital-bound newborn, and I was taking the healthy twin with me to and from the hospital to spend every day with both newborns.  

My sisterwife Melissa had her own struggles with what was happening, but instead of shrinking from the challenge, she leveled up and helped me in the best ways she could.  

Here are the 4 biggest ways Melissa helped me when I had the twins. 

  1. Pumping
  2. Food
  3. Baby stuff
  4. Child care

    1. Helped me pump breastmilk for Baby A

    The biggest way Melissa helped was by being my teammate in tackling the challenge of pumping breastmilk.  

    I had never pumped before, but Melissa has both personal and professional experience pumping.  She also had a breast pump and a large collection of pump parts and accessories.  She generously shared with me her expertise and her supplies.  

    Not only that, but she signed herself up to wash all my pumping supplies on a daily basis.  This was an amazing service for me.  Pumping milk for a baby in the NICU is a full-time job, and she removed the burden of washing the pump parts.  Many times every day and night, I pumped and prepared the milk for my inpatient newborn.  I sent all the dirty pump parts over to Melissa’s kitchen.  With her own young children underfoot, she washed them, sterilized them, and assembled them into clean, labeled bags for me to use the next day.  

    I am very grateful for her help in all of this.  Kudos to the women who pump full-time without so much support.  

    2. Cooked good food for me

      Melissa cooked nutritious food for me for several months during my postpartum period.  She either served hot meals to me for breakfast, or packed them and sent them with me to the hospital.  Honestly, I’ve never eaten better!  Without such generous help, I probably would have lived on trail mix and jerky.

      All that good food helped me recover from giving birth, produce plenty of breastmilk for two hungry nursing babies, and have the strength and energy for every demanding day, with one less thing to worry about.  

      I was blessed to have a sisterwife who volunteered to cook for me during those months.  

      3. Curated baby items for the twins

        Melissa is good at collecting things like baby carriers, swaddles, and baby blankets. As a result, she has a nice assortment of baby items she’s letting me use.  

        These items have both form and function, and she prioritizes quality over quantity. For instance, we now have an extensive collection of baby wraps in cute colors from our favorite brand.  She shops secondhand and is exceptional at spotting a good deal.  

        When I needed something she didn’t already have, she put in the legwork to hunt for it, and in some cases even picked up the items for me. 

        4. Helped take care of my toddler

          During the 5 weeks Baby A was inpatient, Melissa took my toddler on most days for two hours to go to fun places or just hang out with her and her young children.  Besides that official time frame, I have no doubt he was over in her house often, eating her food and doing whatever interesting activities the other littles were doing. 

          My toddler has done surprisingly well with the transition to being an older brother to twins (not to mention having his mother gone to the hospital so much), and I believe it’s due in part to having so many people in the home watching out for him and providing more stability than I could give him on my own. 

          These are just the four biggest ways Melissa helped me in the period right after the twins were born.  Sisterwives are (or ought to be) teammates, not rivals.  Who doesn’t want another loved one in their corner, another person on their team? 

          Fill your wife’s cup (a lesson from a dream)

          A few nights ago, I dreamed that a group of us was headed to the live theater. 

          Joshua and I went separately. When I arrived, he was sitting with another woman, enjoying her company, and holding her hand. 

          I hadn’t realized before then that he was going to be on a date with a potential third wife. 

          I said a friendly Hello to both of them. Then I quietly asked him if he had saved a seat for me. He said he hadn’t. I asked if I could talk to him privately.

          We found a private place and I told him I’m fine with him going on a date with this woman, but that I hadn’t realized it was going to be a date. I told him that I need my cup to be filled, and could he please hug me and tell me he loves me. 

          He saw my point of view, and he spent some time filling my cup before the performance started. 

          This dream illustrates a plural marriage concept that is important for every polygamist to understand: In order to feel secure enough to be happy about sharing her husband with other women, a wife needs to have her own cup filled.

          If a wife has a full cup, then when she sees another woman getting her cup filled, there should be no reason for jealousy. 

          Even if you’re not a polygamist, you might be able to relate.  Think about how a young child must feel when he becomes an older sibling.  If he sees his mother giving all her time and energy to the new baby and paying very little attention to him, it is likely to lead to insecurity and, as a consequence, jealousy.  

          To avoid the problems that can arise, it’s wise to give the toddler as much love and attention and time and affection as possible.  Keep his metaphorical cup full, and he’ll be happier to share his Mama with his siblings.  If a child has a full cup, then when he sees another child getting his cup filled, there should be no reason for jealousy. 

          As an aside, here’s another bit of advice regarding the new-sibling transition: Don’t blame anything on the new baby.  Don’t say, “I can’t hold you right now because I’m holding the baby.”  Instead, say simply, “I can’t hold you right now.” Leave out the baby-blaming. In other words, don’t draw needless attention to the fact that anything negative is due to the new baby.  

          There are many, many parallels between a mother having multiple children and a husband having multiple wives.  The analogy is deep and rich with lessons.  

          If you are a woman struggling with the emotions that come with the plural marriage topic, try this: Try converting (in your mind) multiple-wife issues to the analogous multiple-children situation.  It’s worth a try, and if you’re anything like me, you will gain a lot of wisdom from seeing the situation from that point-of-view.  

          We are called “sister” wives for a reason, after all…