Tag: children

Chanukah (and Life) with Two Wives

Last night was the 4th night of Chanukah.  We lit our menorahs, played dreidel, and ate fried foods.  Later my husband Joshua read to us another chapter from the exciting story of the Maccabees revolt against the wicked emperor Antiochus, who tried in vain to force the Jews to break the Law.  The retelling of the Chanukah story we’re currently reading was written by a plural husband who delightfully wrote two wives/mamas into the story.  

My sisterwife Melissa and I sat down a few days ago and planned the Chanukah menu: 8 nights of fried foods, including frybread, curly fries, beer-battered fish, donuts, latkes, onion rings, and a deep-fried turkey.  Tonight we’re enjoying deep-fried soft-boiled eggs and fried pickles.  

Several of us are gluten-free, and Melissa has been supportive in having a completely gluten-free Chanukah.  The sheep fat that fills my deep fryer is blessedly remaining uncontaminated, and no one needs to keep track of which foods can be eaten by which children.  (The sheep fat was rendered by Melissa, by the way, from a sheep that we raised on our property.)  

Melissa and I each have a Chanukah menorah in our respective living room window.  Every evening after sunset, we gather on her side of the house.  We recite the Chanukah blessing and light the candles in Melissa’s menorah; then we all move to my side of the house and light my menorah, then we sing our traditional Chanukah song, “In the Window.”  

Most of the Chanukah festivities happen in my great room because I have breastfeeding twins and it’s difficult for me to travel even as far as her living room (it typically takes me 4 trips over there to take both babies as well as everything I’ll need for them for a couple of hours).  

A while ago Melissa brought up the idea of having our evening family time in my living room every night instead of alternating living rooms (based on which wife Joshua is with that night).  Melissa had several reasons to make the suggestion, andI consider her generous to make the offer.  

Having family time in each wife’s living room in turn just makes sense in a plural family.  Generally, everything that can be alternated is alternated.  There are some logistical things that lead to differences, but if relationships are good, those differences don’t bother anyone.  

As an example of a logistically-caused difference, Melissa’s apartment has enough bedrooms (4) to allow for an office.  I have too many children and too few bedrooms (3) to allow for an office.  So when Joshua has office work to do, it just makes sense for him to work in Melissa’s office.  

I suppose this apparent inequality could bother me.  However, I would have to be insecure in my relationship with Joshua, and/or have a tense relationship with Melissa, for it to be irksome enough to be worth bringing up.  

(Come to think of it, perhaps it bothers Melissa for Joshua to be taking up the desk in her office, or for her apartment to have a lot of extra foot traffic due to people going to talk to Joshua.  It’s not always obvious who is on which side of an inequality.)  

Anyway, back to Melissa’s suggestion that we have family time (a.k.a., Shofar & Tell) in my living room every night.  I’m going to be honest; the idea had occurred to me in the past.  But I would never have suggested it.  Having family time in her living room on “her” nights is a long-standing policy that is fair and equal, and having it in my living room every evening was definitely her suggestion to make.  

Just in case you’re curious, here are the main reasons we started having Shofar & Tell in my living room.  

  1. Melissa won’t have to prepare her living room for the whole family to converge onto.
  2. Melissa won’t have to deal with the inevitable clutter my children and I leave behind.  
  3. My living room is part of a great room; in other words, the kitchen is attached to the living room with no separation.  This makes it easy for people to eat during Shofar & Tell while remaining in a kitchen. 
  4. Taking care of the twins is easier in my own space, for all the reasons you are familiar with if you have children (and more besides if you don’t have twins: I utilize four pillows and several other accessories to be able to nurse both babies at the same time).

There may have been other reasons, but those are the main ones.  I’m grateful to Melissa for not just being willing, but for making the suggestion.  

This evening 60 of our closest friends will be coming over for a Chanukah party that will utilize both my kitchen and Melissa’s.  The whole family has a lot of preparation to do to get ready – I better go!  

4 Ways My Sisterwife Helped Me When My Twins Were Born

Last year I gave birth to twins.  Baby A had to stay at the hospital for more than a month, while Baby B got to come home right away.  As you can imagine, this was a challenging time for me, for the babies, and for my whole family.  I was recovering from giving birth, I had a healthy newborn to feed and care for, I was pumping breastmilk around the clock to give to the hospital-bound newborn, and I was taking the healthy twin with me to and from the hospital to spend every day with both newborns.  

My sisterwife Melissa had her own struggles with what was happening, but instead of shrinking from the challenge, she leveled up and helped me in the best ways she could.  

Here are the 4 biggest ways Melissa helped me when I had the twins. 

  1. Pumping
  2. Food
  3. Baby stuff
  4. Child care

    1. Helped me pump breastmilk for Baby A

    The biggest way Melissa helped was by being my teammate in tackling the challenge of pumping breastmilk.  

    I had never pumped before, but Melissa has both personal and professional experience pumping.  She also had a breast pump and a large collection of pump parts and accessories.  She generously shared with me her expertise and her supplies.  

    Not only that, but she signed herself up to wash all my pumping supplies on a daily basis.  This was an amazing service for me.  Pumping milk for a baby in the NICU is a full-time job, and she removed the burden of washing the pump parts.  Many times every day and night, I pumped and prepared the milk for my inpatient newborn.  I sent all the dirty pump parts over to Melissa’s kitchen.  With her own young children underfoot, she washed them, sterilized them, and assembled them into clean, labeled bags for me to use the next day.  

    I am very grateful for her help in all of this.  Kudos to the women who pump full-time without so much support.  

    2. Cooked good food for me

      Melissa cooked nutritious food for me for several months during my postpartum period.  She either served hot meals to me for breakfast, or packed them and sent them with me to the hospital.  Honestly, I’ve never eaten better!  Without such generous help, I probably would have lived on trail mix and jerky.

      All that good food helped me recover from giving birth, produce plenty of breastmilk for two hungry nursing babies, and have the strength and energy for every demanding day, with one less thing to worry about.  

      I was blessed to have a sisterwife who volunteered to cook for me during those months.  

      3. Curated baby items for the twins

        Melissa is good at collecting things like baby carriers, swaddles, and baby blankets. As a result, she has a nice assortment of baby items she’s letting me use.  

        These items have both form and function, and she prioritizes quality over quantity. For instance, we now have an extensive collection of baby wraps in cute colors from our favorite brand.  She shops secondhand and is exceptional at spotting a good deal.  

        When I needed something she didn’t already have, she put in the legwork to hunt for it, and in some cases even picked up the items for me. 

        4. Helped take care of my toddler

          During the 5 weeks Baby A was inpatient, Melissa took my toddler on most days for two hours to go to fun places or just hang out with her and her young children.  Besides that official time frame, I have no doubt he was over in her house often, eating her food and doing whatever interesting activities the other littles were doing. 

          My toddler has done surprisingly well with the transition to being an older brother to twins (not to mention having his mother gone to the hospital so much), and I believe it’s due in part to having so many people in the home watching out for him and providing more stability than I could give him on my own. 

          These are just the four biggest ways Melissa helped me in the period right after the twins were born.  Sisterwives are (or ought to be) teammates, not rivals.  Who doesn’t want another loved one in their corner, another person on their team?